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Katlyn never stops singing, whether she has her guitar in hand, or not. She makes sure she keeps an extra pen in her pocket, so that she can jot down whatever comes to mind. New Jersey is the place she calls home… for now. 

About seven years ago, I knew what I was meant to do.

I spent a couple of summers during my college years in Mexico doing mission work, and God had overwhelmed my heart with the desire to serve Him with all that I had.

But when I graduated college, certain things in my life didn’t turn out the way I thought they should and I began to lose sight of that passion. Circumstances discouraged me. I tried to do my own thing, and drowned out the calling with my own plans.

God let me try that for a while, let me realize it wasn’t quite working out, then a little over a year ago said to me, “Are you done now? Ok good. Let’s get back to work.”

Opening My Heart Again

On December 3rd, I was readying the sanctuary for chapel, as I normally do Wednesday mornings, at the Christian school where I work. This year I was given a new title of chapel director on top of my teacher’s assistant position. I make sure things are running smoothly, lead worship with the kids, introduce the speakers each week, and sometimes give a message myself.

It was proving to be a bit of a stressful new challenge, but I knew I was in exactly the right place for God to get me where He wanted me. Since last summer, I’ve known that God was calling me into ministry, not exactly sure what it was going to look like, but I knew that I would know when I knew.

I had heard that a missionary was coming, as the principal had called me in her office a couple days earlier to let me know who the speakers were for the month. She told me he was going to Central Eurasia and it was kind of top secret, because they don’t openly allow missionaries there. My interest was definitely peaked, but I had this idea in my head that the missions chapter of my life was in the past.

Confirming the Call

I listened to him speak, and I began to see a picture of what I was meant to do. It still didn’t make sense to me, because I had hardened my heart to the call to missions. God was shaking things up. Later that day I connected with this missionary on Facebook, and he invited me to like the Live Dead Silk Road page. I checked it out; completely unaware of what God was about to do in me.

All I did was read the description:

“Live Dead is committed to taking the church where it does not exist.”

I’m pretty sure I kept reading, but that’s all I remember before God pretty much slapped me with the Holy Spirit and I was bawling my eyes out. It was beyond what I could understand, and all I could manage to utter was, “God, what are you doing?”

Suddenly I knew. I knew that I knew. I had to go. It was not an option not to go.

As I began to pray and seek Him about this renewed explosive passion, God was solidifying and confirming the call over and over again. He filled my heart with love for these people who have never heard of Him. They are people that are meant to be my brothers and sisters in Christ, people who are destined for the good works He has prepared for them to do, people living in darkness and hopelessness without the abundant life and joy that Jesus offers them.

I wanted to go as soon as absolutely possible, and a crazy, rip-roarin’ faith rose up in me. I believed God would move every mountain in my path, do the impossible and practically catapult me to the mission field. I had a few ideas on how He could do that, but He hasn’t taken my suggestions. As I’ve been sitting here, discontent to stay any longer, hugging my globe and crying, “God, please let me go!!” I am again tempted to be discouraged by circumstance. Yet again, things are not unfolding the way I thought they would. Big surprise.

Learning to Surrender

Finding myself disappointed, upset that I can’t make this happen my way and in my time, I’m reminded that answering the call to missions means surrendering my life further into His hands.

I am His, the mission is His, and only He can adequately prepare me for the purposes He’s laid out for me.

I’ve signed up to be an instrument for His glory and a vessel for His message, so why should I think I get to decide how this plays out? The truth is that this call feels like a burden, and sometimes I feel like I don’t want it if I can’t go right this second.

But God has placed it there to be a refining fire that transforms me into exactly what He needs in order to use me. I don’t want to harden my heart this time. I want to fully surrender to His way, in ultimate trust, believing that He has called me and will be faithful to send me at His perfectly appointed time.

Frustrated as I may be, I’m asking God not to let this fire go out.

I pray that this burdensome passion not only drives me to my knees to pray for the unreached, but that it chisels the self off of me to make me more and more alive to the God I’m living to serve.

I cling to the promise of 1 Thessalonians 5:24: “Faithful is He Who is calling you to Himself, and utterly trustworthy, and He will also do it- fulfill His call by hallowing and keeping you.”

Living dead starts now, as I yield to the One Whose ways are always higher. He knows what He’s doing.

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