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Brianna is currently a college student studying radiology. Her little dog is named Chai – which is also her favorite beverage. She loves God and is passionate about His Word.

“You’re willing, but you’re not open.”

I remember the first time God spoke that to me. One Sunday a couple years ago, I heard a sermon about yielding to the Holy Spirit. There was an altar call and I went up. This lady who I didn’t know came up to me and started prayed over me in tongues, and then she said those words – that I was willing but I wasn’t open. I’ve never had God speak something to my heart that hurt so much, but I know that it was said in love.

It hurt because I love God. I don’t want anything more than to yield to Him and die to myself so that He can live in me. I want to say, “Yes,” to whatever He says. It’s easy to be willing. Once you taste and see how good He is, once you experience His love and forgiveness and the sweetness of His presence – what else can you do but want to give Him everything?

It’s easy to be willing. It’s another thing to actually be open to do what He asks you to do.

Why?

I could go on and on about all the things that make me want to shrink back when God asks me to do something. I’m too timid, I’m too weak, someone else could do it better, I don’t know what to say, I wouldn’t know what to do – the list could go on forever.

But the truth is, none of those things are the problem.

The problem is, if I am willing (God, anything, anywhere!) and I am open (when You say it, I’ll do it), I’m not in charge. I’m vulnerable. I’m uncomfortable.

His Peace

It seems a bit contradictory, but it is possible to feel uncomfortable and have peace at the same time. If the reason for my discomfort is rooted in a desire to let God live in me, however He chooses, it really isn’t about me. It’s all about Him.

It’s about being open to Him and trusting that when I yield myself to Him, He will come through.

Sometimes in the midst of that yielding, I want to tell Him who created me about what I’m able to do and what I’m not. But there isn’t any peace in that.

Colossians 3:15 says to “let the peace of God rule in your hearts.” There’s a struggle in my heart because the part of me that is willing has so much peace, but the part of me that struggles to be open to do what I feel God wants me to do is scared and uncomfortable. The thing that prods me to keep offering up myself even though I’m scared and uncomfortable is that I want, more than anything, to be close to God. So I learn to trade in my sense of comfort for His peace.

His People

Earlier this year, I had the opportunity to travel to Central Eurasia. As soon as I got out of the airport, the sheer number of people there impressed me. It’s one thing to hear a statistic, like that a place is 99.8% Muslim, but it’s another thing to stand on a street or ride on a tram where you are literally immersed in wall-to-wall people.

99.8% is not a number. It is people – people with names and faces.

People whom God knows and loves.

People, whose names are written on the hands and feet of Jesus, because He died for them, too.

When I came home from that trip, I couldn’t stop thinking about the specific nation I was in. When I think about it, I literally ache. God loves that place so much. I have always had a burden for the unreached and there have been countless times when I felt like God was asking me to do something about it. For various reasons I shrunk back, though. Gently, but persistently, God kept saying, “You’re willing, but you’re not open.” That phrase has brought me to my knees, praying, “Lord, I’m willing – make me open!” It breaks my heart that I would with my mouth give God my yes, and with my actions give a resounding no.

Choosing Obedience

I decided that, even though it felt uncomfortable, I would start to take whatever steps I could to be in obedience. I still go back and forth between wanting to be comfortable and wanting God more, but I am so encouraged to see how faithful He is about giving me peace. He has given me such a deep love for Muslims and for Central Eurasia. When I think of that, and I think of His sweet presence, it compels me to pray and to seek God with willingness and openness.

My heart is burdened for this country that I have come to love. I pray for it in tears. I can’t turn my back and pretend I don’t know what it means to be separated from Christ, I can’t shrug off the fact that there are so many people who do not have access to this Gospel that is my whole life.

Lord, I’m willing. . . and open.

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